Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
