She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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