My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
