We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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