Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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