I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
