the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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