when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
