she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
