Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Someone shattered a urinal.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
