College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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