somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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