Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
