When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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