defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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