my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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