I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
