first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You took a bar mat shot.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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