She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
