wat bout pragnant strippers??
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
