I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You are the jesus of drinking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
