So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
