There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
