I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
