Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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