I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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