Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
