omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
