I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
