I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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