Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
