I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
