im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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