There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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