someone get that fucking seahorse.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
