i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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