I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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