Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
