wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
