Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
