Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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