I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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