i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
