The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
