laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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