tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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