Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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