If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
