last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
