Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
