Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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