We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
